This section I created in hopes to help others' be aware of the signs & such of dating a man who could become an abuser (or has a history of being one).

[Various websites across the net state these as warning signs, in which I went ahead & complied them here for you..]

* RED FLAGS *

Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign if insecurity. An abuser may accuse a target of abuse of flirting or be jealous of the time that the target spends with friends or family.

Controlling Behavior: At first, a batterer may say that controlling behavior comes from concern. The abuser may be angry if a partner is later than expected when returning home. A batterer may question his partner about where she went or who she was with while she was out. As the relationship continues, this type of behavior will worsen. The target may no longer be allowed to make personal decisions or come and go as she chooses without the "permission" of the abuser.

Quick Involvement: Many targets date their abusers for less than six months before becoming engaged or moving in together. Abusers come on strong and claim "love at first sight." Abusers often say flattering things such as, "You're the only person I could ever talk to." Or "I've never felt like this about anyone before you." A batterer needs a partner desperately and may pressure a target to commit before she is ready.

Unrealistic Expectations: Batterers are often very dependent on their partners for all needs. They may say, "If you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need." Targets are "supposed" to take care of their abusers' needs.

Isolation: Abusers often try to prevent targets from seeing friends and family. If targets have friends of the opposite sex, abusers say they are cheating. If they have friends of the same sex, they are accused of being gay. If they spend too much time with family, they are accused of being tied to apron strings. Abusers may not let their target work, use the phone, go to school or use a car. If they are allowed to go outside the home, they must "check in" with the abuser at regular intervals.

Blames Others for Problems: If an abuser cannot keep a job, someone else is always the blame. If the abuser makes mistakes, it's the target's fault.

Playful Use of Force: Abusers may like to throw and hold their partner down against their will. They may not accept the word, "no." The idea of rape sometimes excites them. There may be little concern about what their partner wants.

Verbal Abuse: Many batterers constantly criticize their partners or say cruel, hurtful things. They may curse, call their partner out of their names or degrade their accomplishments. They may enjoy verbally abusing their partners in front of others.

Rigid Roles for Men/Women: According to the typical abuser, men are supposed to be in control and women should be submissive. Women must serve and obey men in all things. The man is the head of the household.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde: Many targets are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood; one minute they are loving and the next they are explosive with anger.

Past Battering: Abusers may admit to hitting partners in the past but claim that they were made to do it by their past partners or situations. They do not take ownership for their actions.

Threats of Violence: "I'll break your neck!" "I'll kill you!" etc... In a healthy relationship, one partner does not threaten the other with any type of violence. An abuser may try to excuse this behavior by saying, "Everybody talks like that."

Disrespects Others: An abuser may enjoy exercising his or her control over others. He or she may treat waiters or waitresses poorly or put down family members or people at work.

Breaks or Discards Personal Property: Abusers often break or discard objects loved by their targets as punishment. Abusers may throw objects near or at their targets.

Does Not Respect Privacy: Abusers often walk in on closed doors or listen in on phone conversations. They will go through their target's handbags or cell phone logs. They may also threaten to spread rumors about their targets such as, "If you leave, I'll tell your friends (family, boss, etc.) that . . .

In this section, I have gathered information reguarding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) & Domestic Violence (DV). In relation, a victim too can suffer from what is known as "The Stockholm syndrome-Why we Love an Abuser"

* PTSD & DV*

Domestic Violence victims may also experience Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which is characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety, emotional numbing, insomnia, hyper-vigilance, and avoidance of traumatic triggers.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:
Some may experience all of these, some of these or a few of these but the more of these you experience the more debilitating it may become. [Which happens to be MY case]

- Difficulty “letting go” of the event, or dwelling on “what if?”

- Having sudden memories (“flashbacks”) of the traumatic event or reliving the event in your mind, even if you don’t want to

- Nightmares; difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

- Sleeping more than usual

- “Survivor guilt” (feeling guilty for surviving and event when others didn’t)

- Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or having emotions get out of control

- Flying into rages; frustration

- Lack of interest in usual activities or hobbies; apathy

- Withdrawing from family, friends, or coworkers; not wanting to talk

- Feeling emotionally detached, “shut down”, numb, or unable to relate to others

- No interest in sex

- Being irritable, jumpy, “on guard”, “wired”, or unable to relax

- Feeling insecure around friends; feeling uncomfortable in crowds

- Not wanting to be touched

- Suddenly crying or crying frequently

- Avoiding things that remind one of the traumatic experience

- Feeling fearful or being afraid to leave home; panic attacks

- Increased conflict with others

- Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma

- Difficulty concentrating or remembering things; poor attention span

- Difficulty making decisions or solving problems

- Confusion

- Reading (or thinking) of something over and over again, but still not understanding it

- Feeling like your going crazy

- Feeling helpless

- Violent fantasies

- Suicidal thoughts and/or attempts

- Clinging

- Depression may also be present (feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty making decisions, lack of energy)

PTSD is a response by normal people to an abnormal situation

Getting help

- Cognitive-behavioral therapy

- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

- Family therapy/ one on one therapy

- Medication

I personally am experiencing about 90% of these types of symptoms & live day to day feeling very frightful with trembling & shaking (within my voice & body) & high peaks of alertness or hyper vigilance.

©2010 by a Victim of Domestic Abuse